After
by i-digress
Summary: SOmehow Buffy and Spike get themselves sorted out and manage to be happy. But how long can it last and what happens after? Buffy's POV


Disclaimer - In no way, shape or form do this characters belong to me. Unfortunately.  
  
Spoilers - not a one, at least I don't think so. But definitely post s6.  
  
A/N - many thanks and much kudos to Trisha for the beta and encouragement. Cheers.  
  
Title - After  
  
  
  
You promised me. You promised. I remember you saying it. 'I won't leave you. Never again, love. As long as you want me, as long as you need me, I'm gonna be here. I won't go away again.' But you lied. After everything, all the shit we put each other through, all that pointless pain, I trusted you. In the end. I should've known better. You didn't change. You were never to be trusted. God, Spike, it was the only promise that ever really mattered! How could you? I still need you. Even when I couldn't admit it I always wanted you. You weren't supposed to leave.  
  
It hurts - how much I miss you. It took me so long to understand what you told me, to believe you. Why didn't you make me believe sooner? Then there wouldn't have been so much wasted time. I thought I missed you before, the summer you went away, and I'd have welcomed you back without the soul. But I didn't have a clue, did I? Okay, so maybe the soul made things.easier. You gave me the excuse I needed. Made it okay to love you. Did I tell you often enough? Did I make it clear that I love you? Is that why you're gone? I don't want you to be gone! It's not fair! Why, baby, why?  
  
It was meant to be me. I was always gonna be the first to go. Early expiration date. Came back twice, third times the charm. You can't win every fight, no matter how good you are. No matter who's got your back. We knew that. Carpe deum, right? You made it so easy to live for the moment even though you had eternity. And I envied you that, envied how you'd go on to see Dawn grow up, cos' I always knew you'd keep that promise. And her children. As long as there was a Summers woman in the world you'd be keeping an eye open. Who's gonna watch now? And that's what you were afraid of, that was what you tried to hide. I saw it in your eyes at the start of every battle. The 'what if?'. 'What if I'm here at the end and she's not? What if this is some beastie's one good day? How do I keep my promise and stop myself taking a stroll in the sun, laying down beside her till I'm dust?' I saw it every time, and I watched as the fear passed when we got home, the light that shined through layers of blood and dust and goo. Cos' we'd made it home again and.  
  
It was my time, Spike. It wasn't your choice, it wasn't your risk. 'I've got your back, slayer. Let's kick some demon arse'. I was distracted, thinking about what was in store when we got home, thinking about touching you, being loved. God, I loved that feeling. After so long pushing it away there was nothing, nothing, so good as being cherished. By you. Being held, being adored. How could you adore me like that? How could you always want me, no matter what? I never understood but I learnt to accept. Hell, more than that, I learnt I couldn't live without it. How am I gonna live without it, Spike? There's no one beside me now. No one to take the pain away and bring the feelings back. Nothing inside. You've left me nothing.  
  
There should be something. Something to show you were here, to show that you loved me. There should be children - isn't that what comes out of love? I don't care if it was impossible. There should be some part of you to hold. I want to see your eyes in my face, your hands in miniature. The proof, the absolute proof that you were right. We belonged together. But there's nothing. Not even that damn coat. At least I had that last time, that part of you to show you had existed. Your smell, your feel, your essence. Scraps of leather making a promise - you'd be back. If I'd known, I'd have made you take it off that night. God, if I'd known, I wouldn't even have let you leave the house! You know it should've been me.  
  
I was too slow. Just a normal night, an easy staking. I dropped my guard cos' it was so easy. Been there, done that, washed the dust off after. He was nothing special, no new moves, no new tricks. Stake and move on. But I was thinking of you. You watching me with that look of pride. 'That's my girl'. Always your girl. And he slipped in. So long ago now, you told me, warned me. I forgot to remember. I was thinking of blue eyes and cool hands, soft lips and. Those moments when you were so intense and vulnerable at the same time, like I'd given you the world and was gonna take it back again. It left me vulnerable. And you saw what I didn't. That fear wasn't hidden anymore, cos' you knew. It was my time. And you weren't gonna let that happen. How could you look so lost but so proud altogether when you held my eyes for that last second? I couldn't even tell your dust from his.  
  
I know now, how hard it is to keep a promise. Dawn's moving on but there's still so much to do. It's not the end of the world yet. Just the end of mine. Damn you, Spike, damn you. 


End file.
